In line with the effort to add more efficiency to the historically inefficient science of human mating, some of my clients confess to “hard balling” their dates—approaching them with strict, non-negotiable expectations, even to the point of stating upon first meeting that they are only interested in a serious relationship (or the opposite). It’s a mindset that leaves little room for organic compromise and fails to recognize that when people fall in love, that feeling can lead them to discard some of their expectations and work toward new shared dreams. As a result, dating becomes a checklist exercise rather than a journey of mutual discovery.Hardballing is just a symptom of a growing imbalance between knowns and unknowns and the misguided rejection of the latter. Systems function best when there is tension between parts, even when that tension is, at times, difficult. Trees need both secure roots and flexible branches. Markets need both private enterprise and government oversight. Online dating, however, has produced a fully unbalanced system. People assume that having more critical information up front—desire for children, ideal vacation spots, favorite movies—will lead to greater confidence and security. After all, anxiety typically thrives in the unknown. But that hasn’t been the outcome. Instead, the sea of information available on a dating profile (or via a Google search) has only amplified insecurity and anxiety. If an algorithm determines that we allegedly match up so well with someone, and yet there’s no spark, then maybe there really is no one out there for us after all.Many of today’s nascent connections fail to launch precisely because the parties already do know so much about each other. What’s left to discover organically? We can be attracted to someone by the excitement they reveal when describing their hobbies or the care they express for their families. When we already know the facts of their background, the opportunity to discover their authentic selves through their words and emotions in the moment—and maybe then fall for them—is stifled.The irony of young adults being so quick to judge is that many hesitate to put themselves out there precisely because they fear encountering this kind of snap judgment. This double standard—harshly assessing others while resisting or dreading receiving that same scrutiny—makes dating intimidating and exhausting. My clients want to be seen for who they truly are, but not to be rejected for it.