My new oven has a touchscreen. We got off to a very bad start: I switched it on and was invited to choose what TYPE OF HEATING I would like. Option one was HOT AIR. Hot air? A joke, surely? Hot effing air? Frantically, I pressed and swiped, looking for something, anything, to suggest this oven wasn’t been serious. Other types of heating on offer include TOP/BOTTOM HEAT, CIRCO THERM GENTLE, TOP/BOTTOM HEAT GENTLE, AIR FRY (air fry? I’ve got one of them already), CIRCO ROASTING and BOTTOM HEAT. No, me neither. Shrug emoji. Whatever. But HOT AIR I cannot forgive. That just means fan oven, surely? Or does it? I may never know. I mean, I suppose it’s not untrue, in that it is air that is hot but it’s still so irritating. I knew someone at college who was like this. She could never use the most straightforward words for anything. Example: she once asked me whether I wanted some toast, but she didn’t say toast, oh no. She asked me if I wanted some hot bread. I wondered what had become of her. Perhaps she ended up designing ovens.